apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
