Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
