Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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