wakey wakey hands off snakey
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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