he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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