she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have aggressive nipples.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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