Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
