I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
