true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Randomize
