I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You have to summon your inner elephant
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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