did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
