I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
