I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
