Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
