the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
