Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
