No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
