My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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