Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
