I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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