Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
