saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
