im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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