Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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