Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
