i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
