Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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