I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
