So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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