I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
