this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
