all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
