I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
