They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
