It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
