And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
