after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
