My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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