Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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