Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
