last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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