where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
