Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
PS: I just woke up from my shower
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
