I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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