You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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