I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
