I haven't been this sober since birth.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
