That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
