the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
