Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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