I will die if light touches me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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