SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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