i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
