The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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