dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
